Poems About My Eating Disorder And Recovery

Author

Marie Sinclair


date published

April 13, 2022, noon


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Balance Ballet

My relationship status with food says:

“It’s complicated”

I didn’t realize how it waited

It hibernated just below the surface

Chemical addiction

Or behavior addiction

They both bring

Dysregulation

Shame

& Fear

One day at a time

I can choose to never have that first drink

But one day at a time

I DO need to eat

You see

With food it must be moderation

Not elimination

& ohhh how I dance

Toe to heel 

Toe to heel

In this balance Ballet

Sobriety brought me a buffet

Of meaningful experiences & relationships

& I feast daily

On These blessings

I am afraid to let my body feast

The same way

Too little Too much

Too little Too much

I try to shift the focus

From how I look to how I feel

On my journey to heal

I realize

I must nourish myself physically

The way I am learning to nourish myself

Emotionally

Spiritually

Nourish to Flourish

Nourish to Flourish

I had to get a bigger toolbox

To carry all the skills I need

plant the seeds

& water them too

My body is mine

& it matters because of the purpose it serves

And the memories it holds

My self respect is not on sale

I have sold 

myself short

one too many times

Food is good

& my body is too

As I learn to 

release expectations

self love breaks through.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Body Purpose Vs Body Image

There is an impossible standard

In our society today – and

I have had enough

Of not measuring up.

As a woman

I am supposed to be nurturing,

Submissive, and sweet

I must be able to keep

A man satisfied

But God forbid

I embrace MY sexuality

For MY own purpose and pleasure

Despite all of this

My body continues to weather 

My storms –

My heart still beats

just beneath my skin

It IS thin perhaps – but it serves its purpose

My blood vessels reach

Like dainty blue branches

I have received many second chances – 

I am ALIVE

My lungs can fill & inflate

With oxygen

I may have bloomed late

But praise God that I can bloom at all

My feet are wide

But they anchor me to the ground

I have found

Purpose for my body

It exists for me and me alone

It is the place that my heart & soul 

Call home.

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________________


Taking Up Space

Why do I feel more appreciated 

When my body is small

Why does it seem like the end- all -be- all 

Revolves 

Around the amount of space that I take up

I have been big 

& I have been light 

Why is it assumed 

Skinny = healthy 

I feel the shift in their attitudes towards me 

As I drop pounds the way I drop my self respect 

For your approval

I get compliments now 

& smiles Everywhere I go 

I was beautiful before too

That body brought me here 

Why do I have to fear 

Food

Fat isn’t a fate worse than death!

Dangerous by Kardinal Offishall 

Played background music to my adolescence 

We are a generation of women who long to be beautiful AND desired

My boots with the fur – have long been retired 

Your validation is NO LONGER required 

I am only a girl 

Who changes sizes like shoes 

& I feel my insignificance 

How are we all so indifferent 

My indignation rises 

With every cat call and compliment 

Why does he comment 

On my body like it’s produce

Or a car, driving down the street 

I imagine myself sweep 

All the broken pieces of the different versions of myself 

That I shattered and left behind 

I strive daily 

To take up as much space as I can find 

Maybe I can give some of mine 

To someone who hasn’t found theirs, yet


Author's Bio

Marie Elizabeth Sinclair of Hamilton, ON discovered her passion for artistic expression when she was an adolescent living in Lethbridge, AB. As a young child Marie lived all over Canada and in Mali, West Africa with her family. Marie’s art in all forms is an expression of her joy & spirituality. Her work today focuses on inspirations that arise from shifting the perspective on the mundane things in everyday life & expressing messages of hope, gratitude, and empowerment. Through significant challenges with mental health and addiction Marie’s affinity for creativity has always found, fueled and healed her. 

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