Trapped Inside Myself

I feel like I am trapped inside myself. I am smart, logical and capable. I am a grown woman with a beautiful house, loving husband, and a steady career that is both rewarding and challenging. On top of it all, I have an energetic and adorable puppy. Yet, when it comes to this disorder, I feel out of control, illogical, irrational and...stupid. I know the damage that my actions cause to my body. I know that to someone on the outside it is seemingly simple to just stop.

I want to. Believe me- there is nothing more in this world I want than to regain control of my life, my mind, and my body. I wish I could just stop. I wish I could go back to the time when I didn’t count calories, I didn’t feel anxious at dinner parties and social gatherings, I didn’t choose to isolate myself, and I could cope with daily stress in a healthy way.

To my colleagues, friends and family; I am a balanced, confident, career-oriented individual. I wish that was my only side. Within my private self, I have constant mind battles, thoughts of food, cravings, disappointment, frustrations, helplessness, and fatigue. Every day is a fight to choose health rather than give in to the illness I have named 'Bully'. Some days are easier than others. But overall, I feel like I am trapped inside myself.

One day I will get out. I know that one day I will be free. I have the perseverance, the will, the desire. I just need to stop. Stop overthinking what others believe about me, stop caring about how I look through an outsider’s perspective, stop striving for perfection, stop setting unachievable goals, stop beating myself up for mistakes  (as all humans do!). I need to start accepting my flaws and rejoice in what God has given me, treat my mistakes as learning opportunities, feed my body what it craves, and relax about my ideas of perfection. I need to press pause and slow down. I need to reconnect with that self that was once happy…imperfectly happy and free.

Sounds easy enough. I will get there one day. But for now, I still reside trapped inside myself.