What An Eating Disorder Truly Feels Like

Trigger warning for discussions of disordered behaviours

Having an eating disorder is like drowning but you are never able to come up for air; no matter how hard you fight to reach the surface, you keep on sinking deeper and deeper into the dark hole, screaming.

It’s like being trapped in a cage. You try to find every way to escape and break the bars but you can't. They are stuck and rooted and held into the ground with many years of damage from each storm that comes, you can’t break free because you’re trapped.

It’s standing in front of the mirror for hours upon hours with self-hatred and tears streaming down your face staring at all your imperfections and flaws. It’s pinching at the unwanted skin around your stomach, legs and arms falling deeper and deeper into the obsession to the point of bruising, wishing you looked like anything but yourself, wishing to look like a model “perfect”.

It’s crying at the dinner table, staring at the plate in front of you counting every calorie to the last crumb, asking: Does this fit in with what I’m eating today? Am I eating too much? Can I make trips to the bathroom after this meal? Go for a run? These thoughts play in your mind on repeat like a broken record spinning and spinning back around playing the same words over and over again. 

It's an evil monster screaming 24/7 that you are ugly and worthless and will never be good enough for anything or anyone, constantly criticising you for how you look and feel, sucking the joy you once had out of you. Turning that genuine smile into a fake one to the point you don’t even know what a genuine smile feels like anymore. This monster sucks the life out of you. It’s a toxic friend who gives you comfort in the bad times but then is mean to you in the good.

This is why I choose to fight this monster every day because I don’t want to feel like this forever and have this war going on inside my brain. Every bite or thought you challenge the ED dies a little bit, so keep challenging that monster and take the Eating Disorder down!